If the daughter of 9 years old does not obey. What to do if the child does not obey: the advice of a psychologist. How to respond to child theft

As you know, a person is formed in childhood, from where habits, habits, character are subsequently transferred into adulthood, influencing the state of his life. The formation and formation of a personality is always a difficult process, which is necessarily accompanied by a protest from the side of the child. Disobedience is often a form of child protest. In such situations or even periods, many parents do not know how to behave correctly. As a result, there is a lack of understanding between generations, which is growing more and more each time. To avoid such tragic consequences, it is advisable for parents to understand the reason for the child's disobedience. After all, the solution to any problem lies in its origins.

Does the kid not want to dress in any? Doesn't he flatly refuse to wash his hands before eating? When you speak: "No"- throws things and gets angry. Pulls the cat by the tail after what you said it hurts. Licks the handrails on the bus. And then your patience ends. You have already gone over the entire arsenal: banned, joked, distracted - nothing helps. What to do when the child behaves unbearably and does not obey ...

Reasons for child disobedience

The main factors that can provoke a child into disobedience include:

1. Age crisis

In psychological practice, there are several periods of the age crisis: year, preschool, adolescence / transitional age.

Time frames can be set individually. However, it is with the onset of age-related crises that significant changes take place in the child's life. For example, in a year he begins to walk actively, learns independence and learns the world with interest. Parents, for reasons of child safety, introduce various restrictions into the fun process, thus provoking a protest from the child.

We also read: How to properly go through the crisis periods of childhood and adolescence and foster confidence and independence in a child.

2. A large number of requirements and restrictions

Restrictions and prohibitions are of maximum benefit only in moderation. When everything is always forbidden to a child, he begins to rebel. If very often the child hears "CANNOT", this causes him to protest and disobedience. For the experiment, you can count the amount of the said word "no" for an hour or a whole day. If the indicators go off scale, then it makes sense to extend the restrictions only to those actions of the child that can be potentially dangerous for him: playing on the road, pampering with medicines or electrical appliances. But do not constantly prohibit the baby to play noisily, run or even throw toys.

3. Lack of parental consistency

When parents turn a blind eye to the little pranks of children, the children consider this behavior to be normal. But if you suddenly have a headache, for example, some troubles and problems at work, had a hard day, stressful situations, lost your mood - the parents punish the child for behavior that has always been considered "normal". Then the child is at a loss, there is a conflict arising from a misunderstanding of the reason for the punishment. With the regular repetition of such situations, internal conflict begins to be expressed in disobedience.

4. Permissiveness

In this case, all restrictions and prohibitions have been removed, and the child is absolutely free in his actions and words. Parents are happy, because the child is allowed to do everything, any whim is satisfied and the child means “happy childhood”. But this idyll continues until a certain point, when it becomes clear that the child is uncontrollable. Then all attempts to instill in him the norms of a correct and respectful attitude are reduced to his disobedience, because the child is already spoiled.

5. Inconsistency of words and deeds

On a subconscious level, children always repeat the behavior of their parents, the features of which can be the main reason for child disobedience, because it is hidden precisely in the peculiarities of the behavior of the parents. A vivid example is the lack of fulfillment of promises, in particular, punishments, which results in ignoring parental words due to a frivolous attitude towards them. Or you can promise to reward your child for good behavior, but you don't keep your promises. So why then listen to you, because you will deceive anyway.

6. Different requirements of family members

When one of the parents makes high demands on the child, and the other slowly pity and pamper him, one of them loses authority in the children's eyes, which is expressed in a lack of obedience. Such a conflict is typical between parents (mom and dad: for example, dad makes more severe demands on the child, and mom secretly regrets and sympathizes with the baby, pampers him. Or, on the contrary, you need to obey your mother, she will always protect, but your father is not obligatory. In any case, a compassionate mother will intercede before this tyrant.) And grandparents, for the latter of whom it is common to pamper their beloved grandchildren and then parents suffer.

7. Lack of respect for the child

In this case, disobedience is rather a protest against injustice and your disrespect. With the unwillingness of parents to listen and hear their child, as well as their full confidence that the child should not have their own opinion, a protest arises from the child's side. It is important to remember that a child is a person, and he always has an opinion about everything in the world, even the most insignificant. In this case, at least it is necessary to pay attention to this.

8. Frequent family conflicts, divorce

Many parents, in finding out their attitude and solving various problems, forget to pay enough attention to the child. As a rule, the switch to the child occurs due to his leprosy and pranks only in order to punish, after which the baby again fades into the background. Over time, this all leads to childish disobedience as a way to attract attention.

As far as divorce is concerned, it is very stressful for every child. The realization comes that now communication with parents will take place separately. Then the child begins to practice a defiant demeanor, because when he does something, the parents can combine their educational efforts for a while, just what he needs.

Video consultation: What to do when the child is not listening?

The teacher of the Voronezh Waldorf school "Raduga", the 7th grade teacher Anastasia Vladimirovna Eliseeva answers the parents' questions.

How can you achieve obedience?

Whatever the reason for the child's disobedience, it is important to combat it. Namely:

Correlate the number of punishments and praises: for a serious offense, the child must necessarily be punished, but also do not forget about praise.
Watch how you express your prohibition and how you react to the child's misconduct. Shouting and categoricalness is more correct to replace with a calm tone. At the same time, you should not be ashamed of your feelings, frankly telling the child what exactly and to what extent upsets. "Son, I'm so upset about your behavior."- believe me, the child will behave in a completely different way.
Use alternative ways to draw children's attention to your words. When a child is very passionate about something, it can be difficult to get him to switch to something else. Alternatively, you can address him in a whisper (also use facial expressions and gestures). The child will immediately notice the change in the volume of speech and will begin to listen - what happened.
Do not voice your requests over and over again. , because the child will get used to repeated repetitions, and the reaction on his part will begin only after the repetition, followed by the punishment. To avoid this, it is advisable to develop a specific algorithm of actions: the first warning should be aimed at encouraging the child to stop acting without punishment; second - if he ignored the remark, punishment should follow; after the punishment, it is important to explain to the child the reason why he was punished. With strict adherence to this algorithm, the child's subconscious will begin to react to the first remark made.
When communicating with a child, you must stop using the "NOT" particle: Often in response to your requests: Don't run, don't jump, don't shout the child does the opposite. Do not think and do not worry about what your child does to spite you, just the human psyche, and especially the child's, is designed in such a way that phrases with a negative semantic color are omitted when perceived. For this reason, it is advisable to replace the negative particle with alternative phrases.
When the child is protesting in the form of a tantrum, try to calm down and not pay attention to it. When the child has calmed down, you should once again explain your request or requirements, using a calm tone. A great option is a red herring, when the child's attention is switched to a more entertaining activity or subject. For example, a child expresses a desire to eat independently, but all his attempts end in failure, since most of the food ends up on the floor. When adults try to feed the baby, protests, tantrums and disobedience begin. Then you can switch the child's attention to the doll that the child must feed. He will surely like this idea. And at this time it becomes possible to feed the baby.
You must always follow the consistency in words, actions, demands and deeds. In the event of the slightest discrepancy, the child will cease to obey, but not out of harm as it may seem, but his confusion will become the cause of disobedience. To achieve the most positive result, all family members must agree on a sequence.
Give your child sufficient attention despite being busy and having various problems. In this case, we are not talking about the amount of time spent together. Its quality is important. Even half an hour of interesting time together with your child cannot be compared with a whole day of unproductive communication.
Be sympathetic to childhood maturation. It is the period of growing up that is most often the reason for disobedience. Often, under the influence of friends, a growing up teenager shows his "coolness". Thus, the child tries to express himself and prove his independence. Here it is important to choose the right approach to the child, without losing authority and trust in his eyes.
If a child's trust and respect is lost, efforts should be made to regain it. There is no need to get into the soul of a child, it is enough to show interest in his life. It may turn out that the music he listens to is not as terrible as it seems, and modern literature can also have a deep philosophical meaning. In the process of communication, it will become clear that there are many topics of conversation where tastes and opinions converge.

Consultation by Yana Kataeva (specialist in relation to the family after the birth of children): what to do if the child does not obey - 5 tips for parents. Strengthen bond with your child

How to restore contact with a child?

Continuing the theme of parental rapprochement with a child, several important points should be highlighted, thanks to which mutual mental and emotional contact with a child becomes possible:

An important role in children's obedience is a relationship of trust, the result of which is the child's understanding that parents are still better at coping with problems. The advantage of such a relationship, in contrast to unconditional obedience, is the ability of the baby to ask questions of interest to him without fear of angering the parents. Parents, in turn, should ask counter questions, making it clear that the problem can be solved in several ways: “What do you think is the best thing to do? Can I count on your help? May I ask you to do this? "
If you want to ask your child about an important request, you should not forget about physical contact with him: you can hug him, kiss him, stroke him. It will be better than repeatedly shouting your request to him across the room. Through touching, the child realizes a mutual interest in fulfilling the request. This is the way to say: “We are together, and this is the main thing. What I tell you will not break our contact. I only hope to strengthen it. The most important thing is the relationship, not the desire of each of us. "
It is equally important to maintain trusting eye contact with the child. In the presence of sharp movements and a stern gaze, the child begins to defend himself on the subconscious, perceiving any request as a threat and a desire to exert psychological pressure on him, and he will perceive a request to fulfill something as an ultimatum.
If you want your child to constantly and obediently fulfill your requests, it is extremely important to thank him for the next completed task or service rendered. Gratitude will strengthen the child's faith that they are loved and that it is up to them to improve their relationship. Moral, psychological encouragement is valued by children much more than candy. Thus, an incentive to work will be developed. We also read:
The child must understand that in especially urgent cases, when there is a threat to the safety of the family, all its members must obey the elder without question. To do this, the baby must be aware of possible problems. He should delicately explain that strict adherence to the rules is the basis for saving lives and health of people. At the same time, one can mention the possibility of negotiating with parents. It will not be superfluous if the child is convinced of the readiness of the parents to obey him in special cases.

Situations

Any theory should always be supported by practice. In this case, for clarity and a kind of "practical guide" for parents, it makes sense to consider and analyze the following situations:

Situation 1. What age is most characteristic of child disobedience? When is the so-called starting point expected? Is disobedience typical for a one-year-old child?

In this case, everything is purely individual, and "reference points" for everyone can begin at a different age period. Kids can throw tantrums at 2 years old, or at 5 years old they may not know that there is such a way to get their way. The environment and the people around the baby have a great influence. He may begin to imitate a cartoon character or a peer who orders tantrums from his parents, after which he will experiment on his own. In such a situation, the main rule is not to indulge in whims. Otherwise, this behavior will become a habit in the child.

It is a different matter when disobedience manifests itself in the validity of the baby's demands. For example, he expresses a desire to dress, put on shoes or eat on his own. As a result of the fact that he is not allowed to do this, the child begins to become hysterical. And in this he is right. But if the hysterics has already begun, then he is right or not - all the same, show firmness, he will have to come to terms with the fact that nothing can be achieved by crying and crying. And you draw a conclusion for the future and do not provoke more similar situations.

Situation 2. Disobedience and behavior problems can occur in children 2 years of age. What is the reason for disobedience at this age? Why does the child not respond to requests from adults? And what to do in such cases?

According to experts, it is at the age of 2 that a personality begins to form in children, and by the age of 3 it is already almost fully formed. For this reason, at this age, as mentioned above, one should not indulge in children's whims, otherwise it will be too late later.

It is also worth considering that the same child may behave differently with different caregivers. It's all about the correct presentation and communication with the baby. Perhaps you have noticed this in your family - the child does not obey the mother, and the navel - unquestioningly.

Situation 3. Most often, the peak of disobedience occurs at the age of 2-4 and manifests itself in frequent or even regular tantrums. What is the right thing to do if a child of 2-4 years old does not obey?

This age period in children is marked by testing their parents for strength and "probing" the boundaries of what is permissible. It is especially important to have patience and perseverance here. To miss this period in upbringing means to doom yourself to big problems in the future with character, obedience, and family relationships, in general.

You can also practice soulful conversations with a child who, at this age, becomes reasonably intelligent and understanding. Talk to your child, become an authority for him, not just a parent.

Situation 4. At the age of 6-7 years, the child already knows the value of his actions, distinguishing between good and bad behavior, how one can behave and how not. However, even at this age, some children show disobedience, only deliberately "for evil." What are the recommendations for this age?

7 years is a kind of milestone, one of the turning points in a child's life, when he begins to rethink and change his life views. And this is due to the beginning of the school period, when certain loads and requirements begin. In this situation, praise is the best parenting tactic. Moreover, warm words must be spoken even about insignificant moments. It is praise that will become a powerful incentive for which the child will try.

Situation 5. A naughty child knows very well the reaction to his misdeeds of all family members. You can often face a lack of understanding between them, when one parent scolds and punishes, and the other regrets or cancels the punishment. How should the correct upbringing in the family be built? How to achieve unanimous resolution of conflicts?

The main thing that all family members must understand is that the child turns all the disagreements in his favor. It is important to avoid such situations as there is a high likelihood of loss of credibility. The child's knowledge of the reactions of all family members allows him to manipulate them. Very often spoiled children grow up in such families, who later become uncontrolled.

During the absence of the child, it is advisable to organize a family council, where the situation should be discussed in detail. It is important to come to a common denominator when it comes to raising a child. You also need to consider some of the tricks that children use: they can ask permission from one adult, but not get consent. Then they immediately go to another - and he permits. The result is disobedience and disrespect for mom today, which can result in the same for dad tomorrow.

We also read: A friendly family will turn the mountain, or how to overcome differences in raising a child -

You need to understand that there are no trifles when it comes to raising a child. Kindergarten or elementary school teachers also discuss any little things for themselves, starting from where to change clothes for children, how to put a table and chairs in class, in which sink the boys wash their hands, and in which sink, and in which girls, and other seemingly insignificant issues for upbringing ... But this is necessary so that the children later do not say that we are sitting in the wrong way with Maria Ivanovna or that we are not standing with Natalya Petrovna. There is no need to give children reason to doubt the correctness of our requirements, because everything starts with little things. To begin with, the child simply does not understand why one says, do this, and the other - that way. Questions appear, then a protest, and then a banal manipulation and refusal to obey at the first shaky situation.

Be sure to pay attention to children's tricks and manipulation by adults. For example, when a baby tries to take time off to take a walk with his mother and receives an answer like: "First, do your homework, and then you go for a walk.", then goes to his father with the same request and receives permission. Today, using dad's thoughtless permission, he shows disobedience and disrespect to mom's opinion, tomorrow he will also do it in relation to dad, and the day after tomorrow he will not ask his parents at all. Stop such manipulations and provocations of conflict in the family. Agree between yourself that for any requests you both first ask the opinion of the other parent, you can simply ask the child: "What did dad (/ mom) say (/ a)?", and then give an answer. If there are disagreements of opinion, discuss them among yourself, but always so that the child does not hear. In general, try not to sort things out in front of the child, no matter what issue your dispute concerns.

Situation 6. All mothers, without exception, are familiar with the situation when, when visiting a store together, a child asks to buy another toy or candy. However, it is not possible to constantly delight your beloved child with purchases. And then, upon refusal to buy the required thing, the child throws a tantrum and falls hysterically on the floor in the store. How to behave in such a situation?

There is nothing to be done, children always want something. They want the same hare as Masha's, or the same typewriter as Igor's - this is normal. Agree, and we are far from all and we do not always agree to understand that you should not buy a new bag, because there are already 33 bags in the closet at home, and in normal condition. What do you want from a child ?! So he fell to the floor, sobbing and screaming, rolling around the store - a very common situation, natural, I would say. And if you buy everything that the child asks now, tomorrow he will do the same and get what he wants again. Why not? It worked once!

Note to moms!

Hello girls) I didn't think that the problem of stretch marks would touch me, but I will also write about it))) But there is nowhere to go, so I am writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method will help you too ...

The child's desire for sweets or a new toy is quite natural: he does not have this or he has not tried this yet. You can't blame him for that. The best way out of the situation is to have a serious and calm conversation with the child before visiting the store, in which it is important for him to understand the reason for the impossibility of buying, but do not lisp, say, as with an adult: “There is no money, you still need to earn it. And they already bought you a toy this month ”- and so on, calmly and confidently. If the conversation did not lead to the desired results, and the child still threw a tantrum in the store, take him and calmly, without shouting and spanking, carry him home. Do not pay attention to passers-by, believe me, they see this quite often, you will not surprise them with anything.

Situation 7. Requests, persuasion, arguments and arguments do not have the desired effect on the child - the child does not obey. What is the reason for this behavior? What mistakes do parents make?

There are three of the most important, most common, and most pernicious mistakes made by parents:

Follow the child's lead. Yes, of course, every child is a person, but you need to understand the limits of what is permissible, you need to give an account of what this will lead to later.
Discussion of various moments and behavior with a child. If you are discussing, then there are disagreements - the child should not even suspect about them!
Scream at the child. Shouting is not only stupid, ugly, a bad role model, but it is also ineffective.

Disobedience and punishment

It is important to keep two rules in mind when it comes to punishing misconduct:

It is necessary to be aware of your actions, their reasons, and also think about the thoughts of the child, who should feel the justice of the punishment. In similar situations, one cannot act in two ways, relying only on mood or other factors (for example, today you are in a good mood and you did not pay attention to the baby's misconduct, and tomorrow you were punished for the same misbehavior).
In serious situations, the child must clearly understand the validity of the parents' actions. If the kid does not obey, the punishment is a completely natural result. It will be exactly as the parents said (preferably in a calm tone).

If a child does not obey, the punishment should come naturally to him. This is what is important to teach the baby - the understanding of the naturalness and inevitability of punishment. Life itself demonstrates examples of this. If you go to a red light, you can get into an accident. Without wearing a hat, you can catch a cold. While indulging in a cup of tea, you can spill hot on yourself and so on.

Before punishing a child, it is necessary to explain what his self-indulgence is fraught with. You should speak in a calm, confident tone that does not tolerate objections.
Correct upbringing and formation of the child's character is possible if the following principles are observed :

The main purpose of punishment is to deprive the child of some meaningful pleasure for him;
The restriction should be implemented immediately, and not postponed to a later time. In children, the sense of time is developed differently, and the punishment, performed after a certain interval, can cause bewilderment in the child, as a result of which it is likely to hold a grudge;
The word "no" should be categorical and firm, not tolerating compromise, persuasion and discussion, no need to negotiate with the child and cancel your decision. If you follow the lead and give in to persuasion, you can become the object of manipulation. Therefore, think before making decisions, so that later you do not regret what was said and do not change your decisions on the go. Children immediately understand that it is possible to negotiate with you, and then you yourself will not notice how your child begins to set the framework for behavior, and not you.
Whatever the offense, you should not raise your hand against the child. Thus, you can provoke aggression and complexes;
You should abandon constant external control over the child. This is fraught with a lack of children's independence, decisiveness, responsibility, such children are easily amenable to someone else's opinion and are not able to make any serious decisions. All this then develops into adulthood (among drug addicts, the majority of these are people, those who easily succumb to other people's influence).

The child cannot be punished in the following cases:

while eating;
during the period of illness;
after or before bedtime;
when the child is very keen on independent play;
when the child wanted to please or help you, but accidentally ruined something;
CATEGORALLY it is not necessary to punish the child in front of strangers.

Be logical, consistent in your behavior, when you punish the child, it should not change depending on your mood. The child must clearly understand that if he commits this offense, he will be punished. If you got away with the wrong behavior today because you are in a good mood and you don’t want to ruin it, be prepared for him to do it again tomorrow. But if this time you punish him, he will either not understand what happened, why you are doing it, or he will draw the wrong conclusions. That is why children often do not admit what they have done, waiting for an opportunity when you will be in a good mood in order to avoid punishment. Don't teach your kids to lie to you.

We read materials on the topic of punishments:

To punish or not to punish a child for accidental misconduct —

8 loyal ways to punish children. How to properly punish a child for disobedience —

To beat or not beat a child - the consequences of physical punishment of children —

Why you can't spank a child - 6 reasons —

Children's whim or selfishness: how is one different from the other? —

How to Punish Children for Disobedience

8 mistakes in parenting

Often the reasons for child disobedience are certain parental mistakes:

Lack of eye contact. When a child is carried away (playing or watching cartoons), it is difficult to switch his attention. However, looking a child in the eye and making a request can work wonders.
You set challenging tasks for the child. You should not ask your child to perform several tasks at once. Thus, he will only get confused and in the end will not do anything. It is advisable to divide your request into simple and small steps.
You are not clear about your thoughts. When you see that the child is indulging (throwing toys), do not ask him how long he will be throwing his toys! The kid will understand everything literally, so it's better to say, for example, like this: "Stop throwing toys!"
You talk a lot... All requirements should be concise using simple and short sentences. If the child is indulging, you need to say "This cannot be done!", And then try to distract the child.
Don't raise your voice... Shouting will only make the situation worse. The child will continue to play on the sly because of the fear of screaming. Be consistent in your decisions and behave calmly!
You are expecting a quick response. Children under the age of 6 need time to become aware (in order to hear and fulfill the request) and to complete the task.
You are repeating over and over like a parrot. The child must acquire some skills on his own. And the constant repetition of what he needs to do will turn him into a lack of initiative. Children have a well-developed visual memory, so various reminder pictures will help a lot!
Simultaneous demand and denial. Do not use the "not" particle. Requests with the prefix "do not" affect the child on the contrary, because "not" misses the baby's perception. It is best to replace it with alternative phrases. For example: "Don't get into a puddle" to alternative options, for example: "Let's go around this puddle on the grass!"

Stories

The personality of the child, as well as the degree of his obedience, is determined by the parenting style that is practiced in the family:

Authoritarian (active suppression of the will of the child)... It consists in suppressing the child's will, when the child does and thinks only in accordance with the parental wishes. The child is literally "trained"
Democratic... Assumes that the child has the right to vote, as well as his involvement in various activities related to the family. although some things are not discussed because they are not the responsibility of the child, the main format of communication between parent and child is not orders, but a meeting.
Mixed... It is characterized by the "carrot and stick" method. parents sometimes tighten the “nuts” and sometimes loosen them. Children adapt to him, living their carefree life from "whipping" to "whipping". We also read:

Some of these parenting styles produce the following stories:

1. Too smart

7-year-old Denis is the middle child in the family. Parents are worried about his lack of response to their requests. Hearing problems were suspected, but everything turned out to be normal. Denis is the reason for the untimely sitting of all family members at the table, the crush in the bathroom in the morning, as well as the brothers and sisters being late for school. Even if you speak sternly and loudly, he can calmly do his own thing. Authorities have no effect on him. Strong emotions, no fear, no joy were never seen on his face. Parents began to suspect that he had serious internal disorders associated with mental and neurological problems.

According to the results of the examinations, it was revealed that Denis has a sufficiently high and lively intellect. He enthusiastically supported conversations, told that chess is his favorite game, with pleasure and sensible told that he had recently read. The conversation lasted more than two hours, during which Denis was not only not tired, but his interest in everything that was happening was growing. Disobedience was the result of high brain activity and a focus on the internal solution of more complex problems. Denisov's parents were upset because their only desire was "So that he listens and, together with other children, fulfill my requests."

At some point, many parents are faced with a situation where children stop obeying and do the opposite. They dictate their terms all the time and want to become the sole masters. Any attempt to improve relations leads to a scandal and a showdown. If this problem is not resolved in a timely manner, then it subsequently rolls like a snowball, and children at this time do not obey adults at all. This article is not intended to teach you how to educate your child. Its task is based on the fact that parents think about why the child does not obey, why adults have a desire to punish him, and what results can be obtained with different approaches to education.

Childhood disobedience is a common family problem

Reasons for disobedience of children

Psychologists have identified the main reasons for the disobedience of children, why they do not want to fulfill the requirements of their parents.

Attention deficit. The modern rhythm of life often leads to the fact that children lack attention from adults. They all the time do not have enough time to talk with them, play, work out. But they will always find time to scold, punish their child. A vivid example of when a mother walks with a toddler on the playground and meets her friend. Naturally, mommy switches to her, and the baby, left alone, is trying in every possible way to attract attention to himself. He runs up and throws sand at the parent, who raises her voice at him in bewilderment. As a result, the crying baby and the irritated mom go home.

What does mom see? She is offended that other parents drew attention to them and concluded that she is not raising a child well since he allows such liberties. What does the little one see? I called my mother to play together, as a result, they paid attention to him in order to shout, they don't like me, they are not interested in me

Struggle for self-affirmation - manifestations

Self-affirmation of the baby... In this case, children show disobedience, when parents overprotect him, they try to "put a straw" under each child's step.

The decision to take revenge. Sometimes adults do not notice when they do something reckless that has eroded trust and relationships. They promised to take me to the circus and stayed at home, keep a secret and immediately blabbed it to my grandmother on the phone, punished her without finding out the motive. And then the child's principle is triggered: "You are so, well, I will take revenge on you."

Reason for children's revenge

Self-doubt... There are times when guys often hear such words as "dunce", "dumb", "crooked". By their actions, they confirm the prevailing opinion. It is not for nothing that child psychologists say: "If you tell a child 10 times that he is a pig, he will grunt at 11 times."

Most common adult mistakes

When a child does not want to obey, it is not uncommon for adults to blame because they make mistakes when communicating with children. The most common ones are:

In communication between an adult and a child, there is no eye contact. If you want the children to hear what they want to convey to them, then look into their eyes and say what is necessary.
An adult sets tasks too difficult. If you tell a kid 5-6 years old too long an action, then he, most likely, will be confused and will not understand anything. You need to split the request into several simple steps.
An unclear thought. Having found a crumb in the mud, you do not need to ask how long he is going to be there. The request should be clearly formulated: "Get out of the puddle!". Otherwise, he will understand everything literally and stay there for a while.
Raising the tone will not help resolve the issue, as a result, the little one will be afraid, but the actions that annoy the adult so much will be done on the sly. In any situation, it is necessary to maintain a measured and calm tone.

Lack of contact is one of the reasons for disobedience

Waiting for soon action. Children under 10 years old need some time to fulfill the request. State the demand and allow time to react to it.
Request and simultaneous denial. Here you need to remember: "Not" is not perceived by the child! He does not hear "Not", ignores it. The negation should be, for example, "Don't go into the mud" to be replaced by an analogy in another version: "Let's go around the grass."

Disobedience at 2 years old

When a child at 2 years old does not obey, sometimes parents do not understand what is happening and how to act, because a moment passes, and the baby turns from an angel into an obnoxious child. First of all, do not panic, because it is normal for babies to have bad behavior. This is an indicator that they are growing up and developing correctly, just the parents did not have time to grow up with the child.

There is no need to scream, screaming will only aggravate the situation, the little one will throw a tantrum even more.

When a child at 2 years old does not obey, then it is worth trying to become one step with him, to admit his requirements, if they certainly do not threaten life and health. Parents should be consistent, if a 2-year-old toddler has a tantrum because he was not given chocolate, then you should not follow his lead. Otherwise, the child will subsequently achieve the intended goal with whims and tantrums.

Disobedience in 2-3 years is the result of a crisis of self-affirmation

The toddler should be given the right to choose, of course he cannot eat chocolate at 2 years old, but you can offer him an apple or a banana. He must feel that he is reckoned with and that he is the master of life. During a tantrum, it is worth trying to switch the baby's attention to some important matter, ask him to feed the cat, water the flowers. At this age, they love to help around the house.

Another important condition for a good mood of the baby is good sleep. Sleepy child usually does not throw tantrums, knows how to behave well and copes well with his emotions.

Parents often wonder what to do if a child of 4-5 years old does not obey. A five-year-old child understands everything much better than it seems to adults, he absorbs everything like a sponge.

A simple “no” is no longer enough for him, he demands explanations why it is not allowed, and when it is possible, and what will happen if he violates the parental prohibition.

Disobedience at 5 years old is manifested in antics

If a parent threatens the child with something, then he must certainly do it. You can’t promise and don’t do otherwise, then you can lose authority, the baby is calmer to see around obligatory people who know what they want. Faint-heartedness, for example, promised that he would not watch a fairy tale for bad behavior, and then regretted it and gave it, harming the relationship between an adult and a child.
If the child continues to behave badly no matter what, then it is worth looking around what caused this behavior. The problem can be solved only by removing the roots of misunderstanding.
There is no need to resort to threats, the child already understands everything perfectly, you should choose the right tone and formulation of the request. Instead of: "Do not force me to take action if I see you on my feet again," you can say: "I expect to rest, so I believe that you will go to bed and are not going to walk around the apartment."
When a child feels friendly relations with a parent, then he will not throw tantrums, he will want to negotiate and reveal to them what worries him.

A child at the age of 7 does not obey because he is aware of himself as an adult, thus he shows that he may well be independent and does not need excessive care. The kid already understands his social significance and understands perfectly well that in some moments he may have his own opinion.

Disobedience at 7 - the child considers himself to be an adult

In order for a student to hear his parents, he must be treated with respect. At the age of 7, it will no longer be possible to say "because", since he needs to know "why not." If the baby is heard, then he will listen to adults. At this age, he still needs prohibitions, as they help shape his behavior, develop discipline and responsibility.

Children are big manipulators who perfectly understand how to get what they need from adults. And, if parents understand that their child thus seeks to get what they want, then it is not worth supporting such behavior.

If a 10-year-old child does not obey his parents, then this indicates the beginning of a transitional period when he does not want to study and listen to anyone. Naturally, many parents who are not indifferent to children's fate literally do not find a place for themselves. Psychologists recommend putting yourself in his place. Teenagers need freedom from parental care, their orders, endless advice, morality.

What should parents do? As paradoxical as it sounds, you need to restrict them from your care, you can give them the freedom to feel deprived of parental advice, decrees and reading morality.

At 10, friends have more authority than parents.

In fact, adults should not let the situation take its course, but keep everything under their own careful control. Believe me, a little time will pass and a 10-year-old offspring will come for advice, he will need to consult and talk about his experiences.

So what do you do?

This age needs a minimum number of prohibitions. Children should only be prohibited from what really poses a danger to them. Parents should try to be friends, to know their companions, what kind of music they prefer to listen to, what interests them. This age speaks of the limitation of parental power, for them the neighboring 10-year-old Petka has more authority than the daddy professor.

The main thing is not to panic, try to understand the offspring, gradually everything will return to normal.

As paradoxical as it may sound, children feel calmer when they are punished. Because it is safer for them to grow up in a stable environment, and not when their parents change their minds at the first opportunity. If the child does not obey, then psychologists give some recommendations on how to punish him.

We must give up physical punishment

You cannot punish in a fit of anger, you need to calm down, and then apply educational measures.
The child must understand what he is being punished for.
You cannot punish one offense several times.
There should only be punishment if the child is really at fault.
Disassembly must not be carried out in the presence of strangers.
During the punishment, the baby should understand that he is punished for a misdemeanor, but they have not stopped loving him.
If the child is being punished unfairly, then the parent must take courage and apologize to him.

Many psychologists advise not to raise children, but to educate yourself, since children will still be like us.

Similar materials

Which parent does not want their child to be smart, cheerful, independent, and at the same time, surprisingly, obedient? After all, the baby still does not know anything about the world around him, parents think, he needs advice, help and support, and sometimes direct instructions from adults. Disobedience is perceived by parents as the height of stupidity, sometimes even as self-destructive behavior, and is necessarily suppressed. But if the child does not obey the parents, this may have much deeper reasons than stupidity or "harmful".

Child development crises

The development of the child, both physical and psychological, does not occur gradually, but in sharp leaps. Everyone is well aware of growth spurts, or stretching periods before school and during adolescence, when a child grows up quickly in a short period. The same leaps occur in the psyche - the personality also grows, sometimes so quickly that the parents do not have time to react to it. There are several of the most common crises:

Crisis of the Year. The first encounter with the word "no" and the concept of prohibition.
The crisis is three years old. The development of the ability to generalize, and against this background, the perception of oneself as a concrete being.
The crisis is seven years old. Formation of abstract thinking, the ability to compare, the perception of oneself as a person.
Teenage crisis. Puberty, the emergence of independence, independence from parents.

The age range of crises is rather arbitrary - a crisis of seven years does not begin at exactly seven and does not end on the eighth birthday. A more accurate age definition is 5-9 years, that is, preschool or primary school age. The time of the beginning and the end of the crisis, its duration - different for all children, depend on many reasons, including the reaction of adults.

The crisis of preschool age is associated with the next important stage in the development of the child's psyche - the emergence of the ability to abstract logical thinking, characteristic of adults. With the emergence of this type of thinking, the child develops self-esteem and ambition, the ability to compare the results of his activities with the ideal result, to compare his behavior with the behavior of other people. The test with a ladder is very indicative in this regard - the kid is offered a drawn ladder with steps reflecting the quality of the performance of an action (bad, good, best of all, etc.) and it is proposed to place himself on this ladder, that is, to evaluate for himself, how he does something (sings, draws, removes toys). Before the crisis of preschool age, a healthy child places himself at the highest level - he is sure that he can do anything better than anyone else. A preschooler assesses himself more objectively, at the same time a new concept appears for him - the level of aspirations, and at this stage of development it is very high (the child wants to study with only A's, win in all competitions, be able to do something that his friends cannot) ... At this age, a preschooler can abandon his previous hobbies, motivating this by the fact that he is not succeeding, but at the same time new activities may appear. For example, a child who used to love to sing suddenly notices that a classmate has a more beautiful voice, and loses interest in singing, and after a few days he is already enthusiastically weaving baubles from beads. The new hobby attracts with its novelty, but how persistent it turns out to be is a matter of time and the attitude of the parents.

School and preparation for it is an important factor stimulating the onset of the crisis - it makes it possible to compare your progress with other children, the status of a schoolchild is considered higher than that of a preschool child, at school it becomes necessary to follow the rules and study on a schedule. In addition, a new authoritative adult appears in the child's life - a teacher. And it often happens that in the classroom the child behaves well, but at home he does not obey the parents. Why is this happening, and what should adults do in this case?

Symptoms of the Seven Years Crisis

The crisis of seven years is a very conventional name, and it is much more correct to call it the crisis of preschool and primary school age. Its signs can be roughly divided into positive, neutral and negative. Unfortunately, parents are more worried about negative signs, and against their background, not everyone notices the development of the child's thinking, the formation of interest in global problems, the emergence of new hobbies. Among the negative symptoms of the crisis are:

Negativism is a pronounced disagreement with any statement of adults, even the obvious one.
Dispute - refusal to fulfill the instructions of adults.
Pause - lack of response to requests, instructions, demands from adults.
Stubbornness - arises as a continuation of the dispute, when the child continues to insist on his position, despite the fact that for the parents the problem has already been settled.
Disobedience is a rejection of the usual duties and rules that the child used to follow without any problems.
Cunning is a hidden violation of established rules. In primary school age, cunning is not yet a way to avoid punishment and does not take the form of malicious lies.
Perseverance is an endless reminder that parents have promised something.
Whims are usually a symptom of earlier crises, but sometimes they occur even at the age of seven or eight.
Painful perception of criticism is also quite rare.

The most important thing that parents need to remember is that if the baby suddenly stops obeying, it is not because he wants to deliberately harm himself or others, or do it for evil. Before school and in the lower grades, there is an awareness of oneself as a person, the emergence of one's own internal position, which means that those rules that have seemed obvious so far require testing for strength and rethinking. The child questions the authority of the parents in order to be convinced of its necessity and to become more independent. At school, a child's disobedience may not manifest itself as strongly as at home, because school is a much less familiar environment, and compliance with the rules here plays the role of psychological protection.

What should parents do?

First of all, one should not succumb to provocation. Your child's behavior can be annoying, but giving in to it, raising your voice and pushing it is a sure way to prolong the crisis. If the child does not respond to the request or refuses to fulfill it, then it is useless to insist on this, but if you leave him alone for a while, then most likely he will do what they want from him. For a child, this behavior looks like a manifestation of his independence - he does not act on someone's orders, but himself.
The student should be given the opportunity to face the unpleasant consequences of his disobedience. For example, if a child refuses to go to dinner on time, then he will eat when he wants, but he will have to warm up the food and wash the dishes himself. The main thing in this situation is the obviousness of the consequences. It shouldn't look like a punishment.
It is worth paying attention to the positive changes in the character of the student. If he has taken on any chores around the house, he needs to be praised for it, and making this occupation an obligation is not worth it so that the child does not begin to perceive him, as a rule, which must be violated.
A child's cunning at eight is a game, not an attempt to escape punishment. If the child sees that his cunning has been revealed, he will carry out the assignment exactly as needed. A trick will become a real lie only when the student sees in it a benefit for himself.
Parents need to be consistent in reward and punishment. The child needs to see the boundaries of what is permitted, and these boundaries should be clear. In this case, there should not be many rules, but they must be strictly followed. In this regard, psychologists advise to designate the child's behavior with four color zones:
- Green - the zone of permitted actions (you can choose what to spend your pocket money on);
- Yellow - the zone of actions permitted subject to certain rules (you can play on the computer only after the lessons are done);
- Orange - a zone of actions that in most cases are not allowed, but there may be exceptions (during the trip, you can go to bed later than usual);
- Red - a zone of categorical prohibition (you cannot use foul language).
Consistency in the behavior of the parents. If adults make rules, then they themselves must follow them. Only in this way will the little man understand that the rules are not needed to restrict his freedom.
One of the most important points is that you need to talk to a child like an adult. It should be reminded that he is no longer small. At the same time, it is necessary to show the student that being an adult is not a privilege, but a change in the range of rights and responsibilities, the emergence of responsibility for their actions.
If the child shows a desire to analyze his actions, experiences, problems, then you need to help him, even if he does it, constantly pronouncing the same situation. So the child will be able to better understand himself, develop the ability to self-criticism, learn to show his nascent independence more productively. Do not forget that the kid does not obey primarily because of the inability to express his position in a different way.

It is important for a child to know that adults see how he grows, tries on adult affairs. But in the same way it is important for him to see that the expansion of the range of rights entails an expansion of the range of responsibilities, that in addition to the external attributes of adult behavior, there is also responsibility for their actions. The student needs to understand that independence should not be an end in itself.

Positive signs of a crisis

Disobedience is the simplest manifestation of independence that a child can afford. But besides him, there are other changes in his behavior that are positive or neutral. And in order to have less to suppress disobedience, it is worth paying attention and encouraging the following changes in the child:

Independence and self-study. The child can, of his own free will, take on any chores around the house. How persistent such a desire will turn out to be is a matter of time. In this situation, it is important for the child to do something without asking, like an adult. For the same reason, his sphere of interests may change, and new hobbies may turn out to be more persistent than those that were before the crisis.
General issues. The child begins to be interested in abstract topics that are not directly related to everyday life - politics, space, biology, family history. This is an indicator of the appearance of abstract logical thinking in him, the expansion of his inner horizon.
Striving for school. At the age of seven or eight, most children love school, strive to get good grades. The status of a schoolchild is very attractive for a child, because this is the next step in life, a schoolchild is almost an adult.
Imitation of adult behavior. The child copies mainly external signs, this is a kind of adult game. In a dispute with his parents, he gives logical, in his opinion, arguments heard from adults, begins to talk a lot and at length about his behavior and experiences. Over time, the desire to imitate weakens, but in this form, you can teach the child to really reason logically, to be aware of the motives of their actions.
Increased attention to appearance. It occurs not only in girls, but also in boys. It is important for a child to look like this in order to appear older. This can sometimes take on caricatured forms. This desire should not be suppressed, the argument of parents that you will still have time to be adults will cause rejection rather than a desire to listen to it.

Parents should notice and consolidate positive changes in the child's psyche, and then he will strive for real, not ostentatious adulthood, and, paradoxically, will become more obedient. His disagreement with the position of adults will acquire a more meaningful character, become conscious, which means that the student can be persuaded. Unreasonable stubbornness and a desire to do anything different from what adults demand will become a reasoned opinion that can be changed. The concept of responsibility will appear, and it will not be imposed from the outside, but grown from within, conscious.

The birth of a child is always a joy for parents, and when an heir is born, double happiness. Young parents need to know how to raise a 9-year-old boy so that he grows up as a real man.

How to raise a 9-year-old boy correctly?

At birth, the fate of the child is determined by the name, so the boy needs to be given a real masculine. If a mother calls her boy at home with an affectionate abbreviated name, then in public and in front of peers it is better not to pronounce it. Since the child will be shy, and the boys can joke. Thus, the boys' self-esteem falls.

Previously, for the upbringing of a male child, they were sent to special male institutions away from mothers, since it was believed that a woman did not instill in the boy the courage and strength he needed. Time has passed and now mothers are raising boys themselves.

When raising a 9-year-old boy, not only parents play an important role, but also the environment: the street and the school.

Growing up period. In the period from 6 to 9 years old, the boy begins to grow up. Parents need to evaluate all the years they have lived in order to correctly approach this difficult period. He begins to evaluate the world around him, shows an interest in life and tries to defend his point of view. He disagrees and contradicts everything that seems unacceptable to him. At these moments, you need to listen to your son, not argue, but explain why the parents are right.

Own room. By the age of nine, the child should be living in his room. Parents need to give him freedom of choice, but at the same time it is not intrusive to direct him, as if from the outside. Try to talk to him on an equal footing. What kind of upbringing of a 9-year-old son will be given by mom and dad, so he will build his future life.

The psychology of the upbringing of a 9-year-old boy is such that he needs an ideal male that he can match. Most often it is dad, but sometimes it happens that the father is not very eager to study, therefore, the mentor can be, uncle or friend, and not always positive.

The rules for raising a boy at 9 years old

A nine-year-old boy must learn to take responsibility for his own actions. This is the period when the child is already analyzing and drawing his own conclusions. For a 9-year-old boy, physical health is very important, so take him to some kind of sport, but do not impose what he does not like. It is also worth observing from the side which sports are more suitable for a certain boy.

9 rules for raising boys:

Lack of ridicule. Don't try to laugh at the boy. It is not even recommended to joke, laugh at an unsuccessful craft, or perceive the boy's words with a smile. A 9-year-old child is very receptive, and this grin is remembered for a long time.

Answers to all questions. Always answer an inquisitive child. At any age, a boy asks questions of interest to him, parents should give an answer to everything. If the mother does not know the answer, then try to find out and still explain to the boy. Sometimes a child asks a question that at his age is not necessary to know yet, but still the parents find the words how to answer the boy so that he understands, but at the same time not tell how everything really looks.

Solving adult problems. During a difficult problem, ask your son to help you solve it. Sometimes raising a 9 year old boy is also raising parents. Mom may wonder how easy it is for a child to find an answer to an adult question that previously seemed impossible. By this, parents show that they trust their son, and this is very important for the boy.

Don't compete with your child. It happens that the mother says something to the boy, but he still does it in his own way. You don't have to tell him what you said. You are right, but you shouldn't insist on it. The child will understand everything himself how he needs to act next time.

Praise your boy. Even if he does not do everything perfectly, still tell him that everything is the best with him. Do not doubt the child's strength. As he grows up, he will understand that perhaps something was, not so good, but for his mother he is the best.

Self-manifestation. Childhood is a time for dreams. Do not forbid the child to dream, but rather support him. If he dreams of becoming a cook, do not say that it is difficult, it is better to give him some food, let him help his mother in the kitchen. He will change his mind many times and decide on a profession only by the end of school, but by agreeing and supporting the boy, the parents help the boy to choose what is best.

Boys don't cry. This is not true, all parents are well aware of this. Through tears, the child manifests himself. Sometimes it seems to parents that the problem is simple and solvable, that these are tears over a trifle, but on the part of the child, this reason is colossal. Support and reassure him, explain that everything is not so scary, tomorrow everything will be different.

In elementary school, it is sometimes difficult for a child to adapt and a defensive reaction manifests itself in the denial of everything and everyone. Parents need to be at the same time with the boy, do not scold him in public, you can justify him in front of the teachers, then the boy will understand that his mother is for him and she can be trusted. After all, the trust of a child is hard to earn, but so easy to undermine.

Professor Janusz Korczak, studied the psychology of boys. Based on the research, the scientist deduced several rules on how not to bring up a 9-year-old boy.

first of all, one should not rely on the experience of grandparents, when they gave birth and raised children, there were completely different living conditions compared to today;
very often you can hear from parents "Now you will receive ...". This is not correct, thereby showing that parents cannot communicate with their child, only by force;
do not choose friends for your son. Every mother wants to protect her child from bad company, but by doing so only harm. For each ban, the boy, on the contrary, will be more drawn to such guys;
there is an opinion that if a child grew up without a father, it means that he received the wrong upbringing. It's a delusion. Sometimes ill-mannered and rude children grow up in a complete family, since their parents did not take care of them in childhood;
don't play roles in front of your child. He still knows what kind of parents he has. He is critical of how mom or dad treats him;
do not try to make a copy of your own kind out of a boy. Each person is a separate person and the inherent abilities of one are not given to another. Give the child the right to choose for himself what he will be.

Sometimes parents try to make their dreams come true through their son. For example, my mother wanted to do dancing, but she didn't succeed, now she wants to send her son there. But if the child is not interested in this, and he will be forcibly taken to a circle, nothing good will come of it. The result will be psychological trauma to the child.

If, from childhood, the boy is told that it is impossible to do this with girls, but this is possible, he will develop a certain model of communication. But in adulthood, you do not always need to behave, as you were taught, so you need to explain to the boy, to be with the girl on an equal footing and to be friends with them, so that in the future a bad girl does not injure the child.

How to raise a boy to a father?

The upbringing of a 9-year-old boy should be the joint fruit of both parents, since the child needs to be near his father during this period. There are several tips specifically for fathers.

In your free time from work, pay more attention to your son. On the weekend, you can make something, the boy will be happy and learn something new. At the age of 9, he is interested in everything that men do;
ask your son what is going on at school. Make contact so that with any male question, the child can easily ask dad. Let the child learn to trust;
it is useful for the father and the child to engage in any kind of sports together. The time spent together will only help you to get closer. The boy will have his own mentor, he will not seek support on the side;
treat him like a man. If the boy did something well, praise, shake hands, or pat on the shoulder. For him, this is a sign that the Pope perceives him on an equal footing;
sometimes it’s useful to just have fun together, laugh or dance. And the presence of any secrets from mom will only cheer up the boy. It will be interesting and fun for him.

How to raise a 9-year-old son, each parent will have to decide on their own. It should be remembered that this is the period when the fragile psyche of the boy cannot be damaged. Teach your son and learn yourself. Respect the boy and he will grow up to be a real man.

Moms may not be upset that their son has begun to pay more attention to his father. With any problem and for support, the boy will always turn to his mother. Parents need to behave properly. Mom often thinks that she is deprived of attention, but this is not so.

There are various methods of education that doctors develop.

Psychologist's advice on how to raise a 9-year-old boy:

when reading books, it is advisable to choose those where the main character is male. The boy should understand what this or that story is about. Ask leading questions, for example, what did the hero do, did he do well or not? What is correct from the point of view of the child?
play boy games with your son. It depends on what the child likes, for example, football or boxing. The boy will not play what he is not interested in;
it is useful for the child to communicate with the male sex, so invite friends to the house more often. The son will look at the manner of communication, and adopt everything. Learn to find a common language with strangers, but you should also control your speech so that the boy does not hear what he should not know;
when a son acts like a man, it is very important at this moment to praise him, to say words of support, but at the same time, you cannot scold the boy for showing weakness. He is still a child and is just learning to show his emotions, and parents are obliged to show wisdom at such moments.

A boy should not hear words of humiliation in the direction of the male or female gender, since the boy absorbs everything and has a wrong worldview about women or men.

if a child under 9 is still sleeping with his parents, then it's time to evict him, so he will learn to be independent. If the boy is afraid of the dark, but let him fall asleep with a night light, and in the future, he must learn to overcome his fears;

if the boy got into a fight or just got hurt, mom shouldn't feel sorry for him too much. Do not indulge all his whims, the boy must learn to hear the word, no.

A 9-year-old boy perceives education as training. Sometimes he doesn't even understand what exactly his parents want from him. At the stage of personality formation, mom and dad should agree on how they will behave and maintain the position they have set.

There are many reasons for children's disobedience, and at each age they are different - that is, at 2 years old, 5, 7, 8 or 9 years old, the child behaves badly due to some certain factors. Although, of course, there are general negative prerequisites, for example, permissiveness.

The question of what to do when the child does not obey at all is not uncommon. And you cannot leave the situation to chance, because often bad behavior takes extreme forms, when the baby or practically beats off the hands. Let's figure it out.

There are a lot of situations when a child is behaving inappropriately.

Below are 5 common patterns of child disobedience, each with its own background and age range:

... It often happens that, after repeated warning, a two-year-old baby breaks out of his mother's arms while walking, grabs onto sharp objects, etc. Naturally, such actions are exhausting.
... The child responds to any mother's demand or request with resistance, protest,. He does not want to get dressed, sit at the table, come back from a walk. This behavior is often found in children 3 years old and even 4 years old.
The child interferes with others... Even at the age of 5, children can behave simply unbearably: screaming and running in public places, pushing and kicking. As a result, the mother is very ashamed of the dissatisfied views and comments of the people around her. Most often, at the age of 7, this problem completely disappears.
... When asked by adults to get dressed, to clean the room, children respond with silence and ignoring the words addressed to them. This behavior is especially common at the age of 10 and older, when a teenage rebellion begins.
... Such actions are more typical for younger preschool age. At 4 years old, children may loudly demand to insist on the purchase of an expensive toy or some kind of sweets.

To solve such problems, there are educational methods that are designed to make the child more obedient. But before describing them, you should understand why children do not obey.

Reasons for disobedience

Sources of "wrong" behavior are sometimes very easy to identify by simply analyzing the baby's actions and how you react to them. In other situations, provoking factors are hidden, so the analysis should be deeper.

Below are the most common causes of disobedience in children of different ages:

Crisis period... Psychology identifies several main crisis stages: 1 year, 3 years, 5, 7 years, 10 - 12 years (the beginning of the transitional age). Naturally, the boundaries are rather arbitrary, something else is more important - during these periods there are significant changes in the child's personality and the child's abilities. Both psyche and behavior are changing.
Excessive number of bans... Rebellion is a natural reaction of children of all ages to restrictions. With the constantly sounding word "no", the child sometimes deliberately violates the prohibitions in order to prove his independence and "annoy" the parents.
Inconsistent parenting... For various reasons, parents impose sanctions on a child for something that yesterday, if not encouraged, then was not condemned. Naturally, he is confused, disoriented, which is expressed in disobedience.
Permissiveness... In such a situation, on the contrary, there are practically no restrictions. A child is allowed literally everything, because parents confuse the concepts of "happy childhood" and "carefree childhood." The result of indulging in any whims is spoiledness;
Parenting disagreements... Various requirements for a child are not uncommon. For example, fathers tend to demand more of their children, while mothers show compassion and pity. Or a conflict may arise between parents and the older generation. In any case, disobedience is a consequence of the child's disorientation.
Disrespect for the child's personality... Often, adults are convinced that a child of 8 or 9 years old is just as “powerless” as a one-year-old. They do not want to listen to his opinion, so it is not surprising that the result is protest behavior.
Family conflicts... Adults, sorting out their own relationships, forget about the child. And he tries to attract attention through pranks or even serious misconduct. Subsequently, it becomes a habit.

It is not uncommon for a child's behavior to deteriorate after a change in the composition of the family: a divorce or the birth of a brother / sister. The main motive for disobedience in such situations is the desire to attract attention to oneself.

How to respond to disobedience?

The typical problems and reasons for children's disobedience have already been mentioned. Now you need to understand what to do to parents if the child does not obey.

It is worth noting that we will talk about actions that still remain within the normal range. That is, we will consider just disobedience, and not deviant behavior.

A useful and relevant article in which a psychologist talks about how parental screams affect his future life.

Another important article that deals with the topic of physical punishment. The psychologist will explain in an accessible way.

What to do with a child if he behaves so recklessly that it threatens his health or even his life? It is necessary to introduce a system of rigid frames, which are prohibited to cross.

A 3-year-old kid who actively learns the world simply has no idea how dangerous it is. However, due to age characteristics, he does not understand lengthy explanations, therefore, the system of restrictions is based on conditioned reflexive behavior.

A child, having heard a certain word, is obliged to stop purely reflexively. This is important because there is not always time to clarify the current situation and the likely consequences.

To make this whole structure work, necessary:

pick up the signal word, which would mean a categorical ban. It is best not to use the word “no” for this purpose, as the child hears it all the time. Signals "stop", "dangerous", "forbid" are suitable;
demonstrate the relationship between a signal word and a negative consequence... Of course, the situation should not pose a serious danger to the child. For example, if a child pulls a finger towards a needle, you can allow him to feel the pain of a sharp one. In really dangerous situations, it is necessary to repeatedly pronounce the signal expression: "It is dangerous to take a knife.", "It is dangerous to touch the stove.";
remove emotions... Sometimes a child of 5 years of age deliberately provokes danger so that the mother is afraid for him, and he is saturated with her emotions. This is why you should not show your strong feelings when the baby behaves this way.

The introduction of categorical prohibitions should also be accompanied by a decrease in other restrictions, since otherwise there is a risk that the child will simply become confused about what can and cannot be done.

As already noted, children go through several crises, which are characterized by protest moods. A growing man strives for autonomy, but rarely a parent is ready to provide it at 5, 8 or 9 years old.

What should parents do in this case? Allow your child to be more independent and make decisions. Agree, you can give him the opportunity to decide what he will have breakfast or what will wear to school.

Such things will seem like a trifle to parents, but for a growing child this is a kind of pass to the adult world. He also feels that he can benefit his loved ones.

If the child insists on completing a knowingly "losing" task, let him do it (unless, of course, this does not harm the child himself). However, after an unsatisfactory result, there is no need to say, they say, I warned you, etc.

If the protest turned into a hysteria, the adult should remain calm, otherwise the emotional outburst will only intensify. It is necessary to save the child from the audience, to hug him or, on the contrary, to step back a little, not letting him out of sight. It all depends on the circumstances.

The child interferes with others

In this case, it is necessary to make it clear that there are general behavioral principles that must be followed without fail. Naturally, if a child does not obey at 4 years old, then he may simply not understand the importance of fulfilling these requirements.

And yet it is necessary to make comments, explain and, in the end, educate children. Therefore, the mother, both for the second and for the eighth time, should repeat the seemingly obvious things: "Don't kick the chair, because the man in front is uncomfortable to sit in."

If it does not work out now, then by the age of 8 the child will learn the rules of behavior that mom or dad so often repeats. And the more accessible it is to explain, the sooner this moment will come.

Children do not want to listen to a parent who lectures him, for two reasons:

the child is busy, hovering in his thoughts, so he does not even hear what the parent is talking about;
this is another variant of protest behavior.

In the first case, children who exhibit autistic traits behave this way. However, gifted children may also exhibit similar behavior, since they are constantly scrolling through many different ideas in their heads.

It is necessary to figure out why the child cannot or does not want to listen in order to correct the situation in time or try to improve relations. A qualified psychologist will tell you what to do in this case.

Protest behavior is typical for children over 9 years old and especially for adolescents. They want more independence, so they get angry with their parents, refuse to listen to them, thus resisting their demands.

It doesn't matter if a rebellious teenager or a three-year-old does not obey the parents, the methods for solving the problem will be similar. We need to give children more independence, if this does not harm their safety, and more love and support.

The child demands to buy him something

No need to wait until demands and capriciousness develop into a hysterical attack. It is best to immediately leave the store and pick up the child under a plausible pretext. For example, explain that you forgot your money.

The failed "buyer" must be diverted to another action. Pay attention to the running cat, count the birds on the branch, repeat the learned poem. Usually, little ones quickly forget about the imperfect purchase.

If the child is over 6 - 7 years old, then you should already negotiate with him. Let him argue why he needs this particular thing. Find out if he agrees to spend his pocket money (if any) on a toy or phone.

Then you should promise to add the missing amount for your birthday or New Year and buy the thing you like. Naturally, the promise must be kept without fail.

We looked at what to do if the child does not obey in typical situations. However, there are general recommendations that will be useful to all parents. And it doesn't matter how old the child is - 3, 5, 8 or 9 years old.

Reduce the number of inhibitions, leaving them for really serious situations. In this case, the number of punishments will immediately decrease.
If a child at 8 years old does not obey, and you are used to solving the problem by yelling, try to calm down and make comments in a calm tone.
If your child does not listen because of enthusiasm, try to attract his attention not by screaming, but, on the contrary, by whispering, facial expressions or gestures. The interlocutor willy-nilly will have to listen.
Do not voice your demands over and over again. First, just warn the child to stop indulging, then disciplinary action follows. And after the punishment, the reason for such strict measures is explained.
Try not to use the "NOT" particle in your speech. This advice is based on the belief that children do not take the negative particle, literally taking the request as a guide to action.
If the children are hysterical, there is no need at this moment to appeal to their mind. Calm down yourself, once again confirm your demand without raising your voice. This takes place more at 8, 9 years old, and a distraction will work with young children.
Be consistent in your actions, demands, and promises. Also enlist the support of your spouse and grandmothers. Consistency will not allow the child to be disoriented, who will have no reason to behave defiantly.
Try to spend more time interacting with children. Moreover, it is not the number of minutes that is important, but the quality of the interaction.
Prepare yourself mentally for the inevitable growing up. The child is growing, he needs more independence to realize his desires and plans. Provide this independence whenever possible.
Show genuine interest. Find out how your grown up child lives. Perhaps his favorite films are not so superficial, and the music is melodic enough.

If a child at 10 years old or at 2 years old does not obey after many months of efforts on your part, it is better to consult a psychologist.

In order for the child to obey or at least adequately relate to the requirements of adults, it is necessary to restore the most trusting parent-child relationship and establish an emotional connection.

Ways to build trust:

It is important for the child to understand what can be told to the parents about the disturbing situation. Also, the little man needs to know that he can ask questions to adults without fear that they will get angry. At the same time, parents should feel free to ask, clarify, talking about several ways to solve the problem.
If you need to communicate some important news or ask for something urgent, it is better not to shout, but to approach, hug - that is, create physical contact. Doing so will show you are highly interested in the situation, and the child will have less reason to refuse you.
When communicating, you need to maintain eye contact, but the gaze should be soft. If a parent looks angrily, then the child subconsciously feels a threat, a desire to put pressure on him, so he perceives each appeal as an order.
Upbringing implies not only demands, but also gratitude. Praise, words of approval are the best incentive for children, because they hear them from their parents. By the way, material encouragement is not as valuable for a child as a sincere mother's or father's gratitude.
Do not forget that you are a parent, that is, older and more experienced than your child. Overly friendly relationships often lead to the fact that the child ceases to perceive you as a protector, the main person in the family. That is, you need to be more flexible.

It is important to learn how to properly respond to any problem, to consider it from all sides, including from the perspective of a child. In this case, trust will surely return, and, therefore, children will no longer need to resist their parents.

The power of personal example

Children do not always respond appropriately to simple explanations of why they need to behave in one way or another. It is better to educate by personal example, because this method works much more efficiently than numerous words and wishes.

If a child at 6 years old does not obey, perhaps you should listen to his arguments, an explanation of the action. It is especially important to demonstrate fairness in adolescence, so find the strength to reconsider your decision if it was wrong, and ask forgiveness for the mistake.

At one not the most beautiful moment, almost every parent can face the problem of disobedience. However, do not despair and resolve the issue by force, it is better to build relationships with the child so that conflicts do not reach the point of no return.

Also, consider whether an obedient child is so good. After all, some manifestations of insubordination are associated with the normal passage of age crises, and if children never mind, perhaps they lack independence and desire for self-development.

Finally, adults themselves must serve as models of constructive behavior. Agree that it is stupid to require a child to listen and hear if the parents do not always fulfill their promises, change the requirements without due reason and do not want to give in to little things.