How to forgive a husband's betrayal and is it worth it? How to forgive a husband for adultery and keep the family? Psychologist's advice. Is it worth forgiving a husband's betrayal

It is generally accepted that polygamy is inherent only in men. But opinion polls conducted by US scientists refute this stereotype. The participants were asked a poignant question: "Do you agree to violate your loyalty to your permanent partner if he does not know about it or not?" The results surprised even seasoned researchers. 82% of representatives of the strong half of humanity predictably gave an affirmative answer. The ladies' performance was slightly different. 78% would agree to adultery, taking advantage of their spouse's ignorance. Unfortunately, infidelity is so widespread that most take an affair on the side as the norm and do not regret it.

All people tend to fantasize about erotic topics. They do not always turn into reality, because a person is able to consciously control his own behavior, in spite of the "innate instincts" of which the infamous Sigmund Freud spoke. Modern science confirms the opinion of a psychologist about the importance of libido (sexual desire) for each of us.

Do I need to forgive the betrayal of her husband? Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky's answer is that it is impossible to give a universal recipe. Some do not consider the spouse's contacts on the side a tragedy, others cannot forgive betrayal. The interpretation of adultery is also different. Many people mean by the concept of "betrayal" sexual contacts outside of marriage. In fact, the point is to hide this fact. This is a deception, typical phrases like "I took care of your feelings, that's why I hid it." There is true hypocrisy behind this wording. Relationships in which such a scenario is implemented are flawed initially, only behind the veil of love, idealization of the chosen one, you did not notice this.

Why does it hurt so much?

Is it possible to forgive the betrayal of her husband? Each person decides for himself what is acceptable in married life and what is not. Sometimes the one who forgave the betrayal makes a decision under the influence of his own fear of losing a partner or unhealthy neurotic love, willingness to endure, be silent, hide true emotions. This speaks of the weakness of a person's character.

According to Mikhail Labkovsky, most of these people have experienced a similar feeling before. They were betrayed by their parents, giving them up for upbringing in another city, leaving to work, without taking them from kindergarten. The child is used to resentment and carries these feelings into adulthood. How can I leave if a common house, a loan, small children, I do not want to share property, I got used to such a good-for-nothing, will endure and fall in love. Typical victim psychology. A vicious circle of suffering into which a person plunges himself.

Whether it is worth taking him back to the family is up to you. Cases when a woman forgave her husband for adultery, the couple reconsidered the relationship and everything worked out as well. But first, you should definitely discuss the rules of cohabitation that suit both, find out the reasons for the infidelity, work on their elimination by joint efforts.

The pitfalls of adultery

Psychologist Polina Gaverdovskaya advises trying to understand what made a person do this. Especially if the husband does not admit his own guilt and does not regret what happened. Imagine how bad family life must be for a person to betray a loved one and not repent? It is worth revising your relationship, analyzing, looking for problem areas that you may not have noticed in the everyday bustle and monotony of life.

If your husband asks for forgiveness for betrayal, the decision is up to you.

You can listen to the recommendations of your best friend, advice from experienced colleagues, but do not try to shift responsibility for your own life onto them. The forum of devoted women will not give an exact answer to the question of whether it is worth forgiving a husband's betrayal, because each situation is individual and needs a special approach. Seek help from a psychologist to understand yourself, analyze the hidden subtext of family problems, your own weak points. After all, as Polina Gaverdovskaya reminds us, the cause of suffering is hidden in ourselves. Sometimes jealousy, panic fear of losing a loved one is a projection of a vicious experience, a manifestation of inner insecurity.

It is especially important that the spouses forgive past grievances, misunderstandings, move on together or separately if the couple has children in common. Family crises are especially difficult for younger family members due to immaturity, lack of life experience and attachment to both parents. You can’t turn a child’s love into a weapon, a way of manipulation.

Only a loved one who did not live up to our expectations, did not remain faithful, succumbed to temptation can cause pain. But why place such hope on your husband and is it not an attempt to transfer part of the responsibility for your own life?

How to forgive an unfaithful husband?

The common life questions “is it better to forgive a husband’s betrayal or is it better to leave? How to get rid of feelings of humiliation, resentment? " Mikhail Labkovsky answers evasively. After a thorough revision of the conditions of the family hostel, work on the mistakes made, it is quite acceptable to build a renewed family connection. General recommendations are limited to advice to work with a good psychologist and increase self-esteem. Confident women do not cling to a man, they do not know the fear of loneliness. Upon acquaintance, it is immediately clear: adultery of her partner will be regarded as a manifestation of unworthiness. She will exit the relationship without delay, doubt, pity. Accordingly, if a man appreciates a relationship, he will not tempt fate with connections on the side.

No one has an indulgence for life-long fidelity, but self-respecting people live fully, count on open, honest family relationships. Adultery in such couples is rare, and separations are almost painless.

To get out of a state of depression, which can be compared with the state of a person who has suffered a serious illness, you need to gradually. First, analyze your feelings, the true causes of mental pain. It is better to take a short break in the relationship, to move to a safe distance. Important decisions need to be made with a cool head.

When you feel ready for a serious conversation, arrange a meeting with your spouse on neutral territory, for example, in a cafe. Avoid accusations, emotional attacks, raised tones. Forget self-pity. Find out the reasons for the act, the vision of the situation by the man himself. The conversation should be frank, calm. Make a general decision.

Instead of an afterword

To love means to listen to another person, to adapt, to compromise, to try to understand thoughts, feelings, needs, to explore interests. Try to make the life of a loved one more pleasant. Over time, the idyll of mutual understanding can be destroyed under the influence of everyday life, lack of diversity, conflicts, misunderstandings. Constant work on relationships, trust and attention to a partner, creating an opportunity to openly discuss issues of concern with your soulmate are the best prevention of adultery and the basis of a happy family union.

Yesterday in your personal life everything was just wonderful and suddenly you find out that, it turns out, your partner is cheating on you. And it seems as if the whole world around has collapsed and there is no strength to cope with the storm of feelings and emotions that surged at the moment when you learn about this betrayal. Hands drop, I don't want to do anything ... But life goes on and something needs to be done in order to keep the family together, or, maybe, on the contrary, to put an end to the relationship with the once loved one. But here's how to do it correctly so as not to regret your actions later?

It is not easy to survive, but no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be at the moment when the betrayal of a loved one is revealed, it is necessary to remember that the happiness of at least two people - yours and your partner's - will depend on your further actions. And if the family has children, then acting thoughtlessly in such a situation is completely unacceptable: you need to weigh the pros and cons and only then accept: forgive the traitor or part with him without long regrets.

Cheating on a loved one is always a crisis in a relationship, which can lead both to a breakup and to a transition to a new, higher level.

But this will be much later. But what to do now, when it seems that the soul is torn to pieces and there is no strength to cope with the pain?

1. First of all, I advise you to leave debriefing for later., for the time when you calm down and act not on emotions, but guided by common sense. Now it's best to be alone and deal with your own. Any pain must be experienced, and only then, having coped with it, decide what to do next.
2. No need to judge yourself or blame what happened.... The fact that a loved one has changed is not your fault and cannot be. It doesn't matter what reason he went for, but you are certainly not to blame for this.
3. When the pain subsides a little and becomes a little easier, I would recommend talking about what happened with someone from your family or friends who can understand you and share your feelings and your pain. Just ask that person right away to refrain from advice and just listen to you. This will help to get rid of the feeling of guilt and most of the negative feelings, after which, finally, it will be possible to proceed to the analysis of the current situation and to the search for possible solutions to get out of it.
4. After that, it's time to think about the feelings that you have for the one who betrayed you.... Maybe you will understand that this betrayal really became the last straw and that you will no longer tolerate such an attitude towards yourself. Or you may find that, despite the betrayal, you still continue your partner and are even ready to forgive him.
5. And only after that I would advise you to go directly to the conversation with the traitor. and to an analysis of the reasons for the betrayal that happened.

You need to talk, first of all, about how you felt when you learned about the betrayal. You must make it clear to your partner about your feelings, without breaking into a scream, and even more so without switching to harsh vocabulary, even if these words are already ready to escape from your lips.

Examples of correct conversation with a traitor:

• “I trusted you so much and loved you so much, and you took and betrayed our feelings”;
• “You hurt me so much that I just don’t know how I can go on living now”;
• “I just don’t understand why you did it”;
• “I feel so bad after your betrayal that I don't even know if I can forgive you”;
• "I'm scared that I might lose you ... Is this really the end of ours?"

Questions like these, spoken in a calm tone, will make the partner feel genuine remorse for their actions and reflect on what they have done. Most likely, they will encourage him to start a dialogue with you, which will help you to start looking for a way out of this situation together. Whereas shouts and abuse will force the traitor to make excuses or, even worse, go to the attack. In this case, a constructive dialogue will not work and this conversation can really become the last point in your relationship.

Should you forgive the betrayal of a husband / wife?

This question is far from idle, and in every where one of the spouses is cheating, sooner or later you have to solve it.

1. The first thing I recommend to focus on is the feelings that you experience in relation to your husband or wife. The traitor can be given one more chance if you still love him and are ready. But if you understand that the old feelings for him have faded away, and maybe they never were, then the best decision would be to part with him.
2. It is also important whether this betrayal was the only and accidental, or whether this has already happened in the past. You can forgive a partner if he changed only once and he himself already regrets it. But is it worth forgiving regular spree on the side, and possibly the presence of a constant mistress or lover, if we are talking about a wife? It's up to you to decide, but still think: are you ready to continue to put up with constant betrayal?
3. Your partner's sincere remorse is another reason to forgive.... If a loved one has realized and felt his mistake, if he sincerely repents of betrayal and does not know how to make amends for his guilt in front of you, he can be given another chance.

Forgiving betrayal means forgetting that it was in general and starting all over again, without returning to, and even more so without reminding the partner of his or her mistake at every opportunity.

Is it possible to save a family after infidelity?

Divorce is a last resort, and although many people get divorced precisely because of the betrayal of one of the spouses, I would advise you not to rush and think it over carefully before making any decision.

Why you, and not your unfaithful spouse? Because, most likely, he will take a wait-and-see attitude in order to observe your further actions.

But what if nothing is done by the offended partner? In this case, the cheater, in the end, may leave the family without realizing his guilt and without feeling even the slightest remorse for what he has done.

It should be remembered that almost any family that has experienced treason can be saved. But for this, both spouses must make an effort. The one who has changed - sincerely repent and continue to do everything possible in order not to deceive the trust of his partner anymore. And the one who was cheated on - not just forgive the betrayal, but pretend that nothing of the kind happened and behave accordingly.

Coping with the storm of feelings and emotions that you experience upon learning about cheating is not easy. Often, the first thing one wants to do after this “discovery” is to put the unfaithful spouse out the door along with his things. But I advise you not to rush and do not in the heat of the moment what you may later regret more than once. Acting rashly, it is very easy to destroy all the good that was once between you and thereby destroy all chances of restoring relations with your spouse and preserving your marriage.

In no case do not accuse yourself of cheating on your spouse or loved one. Even if he tells you the opposite and assures you that it was because of your inattention to him that he cheated on you. Remember that such conversations are nothing more than an attempt to justify yourself, and, possibly, to shift the blame for your own betrayal on you.

A conversation with a partner and finding out the reasons for treason should not turn into a scandal. I advise, when talking with a cheating spouse, to behave extremely correctly and in no case go to screams and mutual accusations.

You should tell your spouse how you felt when you learned about the betrayal. This will make the husband or wife think about the pain he or she has caused you, and, as a result, realize their guilt and feel sincere repentance.

Next, you need to decide: to keep the family or to part with the unfaithful spouse. And here I advise you to slowly think over everything, remember the feelings that you were once tied, and evaluate the prospects of your future relationship with your partner.

Cheating on a loved one is something that can be difficult to deal with. Negative feelings and emotions prevent you from acting judiciously, and this can lead to a deterioration in relations between partners. However, if the spouses treat each other with understanding, behave correctly and together begin to look for a way out of this situation, then they will have every chance to save the family.

Cheating on her husband is a real tragedy for the family. It is a mistake to believe that only the wife suffers in this situation. If the husband is an adequate person, then the burden of guilt also gnaws at him from the inside, and his conscience torments him at night.

It is difficult for a woman to admit that both partners can be guilty of betrayal. After a terrible shock, she has to decide how to live on: stay with the partner who betrayed her or, without hesitation, divorce. Many are in no hurry to divorce. But how to forgive her husband's betrayal? And is it worth doing it at all?

Should you forgive your husband's betrayal?

After sleepless nights and agonizing thoughts, the wife begins to analyze the behavior of her cheating husband. In this analysis, the aspect that will help to understand the situation is hidden.

When should you forgive your husband for infidelity, and when should you end the relationship with dignity?

Here, a woman will have to honestly answer the question of whether she can truly forgive, without further regular accusations and suspicions in everything.

How to behave in order to forgive the betrayal of her husband? This is not about formal forgiveness. Remember all the good things that united you two over the years of marriage. And put this experience on an imaginary scale. If, before adultery, your husband took care of you and your children, remained faithful for many years, respected you, then forgiveness is potentially possible. After all, a divorce will hit not only the nerves of the spouses, but also affect the children, if there are any in the family.

What if the husband was not such a perfect partner? He did not appreciate, was not interested in children, did not take into account their interests, raised his hand, drank, did not provide for the family. With such a life, betrayal is the final chord for marriage. And thank God! After "debriefing" in your own head, try not to take a biased look at how your husband behaves after infidelity. And then remember his behavior before this unpleasant truth surfaced. And ask yourself the question: "Why did I need this one at all?"

When did your husband start cheating?

How to forgive a husband's betrayal when he committed it in the first three years of marriage? From a psychological point of view, everything is simple: there is no need to forgive such a betrayal. Since a person decided to betray so soon, most likely, by his temperament, he simply cannot be faithful, and the betrayal will be repeated. Are you ready to endure it all your life?

Should you forgive your husband's betrayal during the first 10 years of marriage? It is worth trying, if only because children appear during this period, both spouses are seized by life, and the appearance of people over such a period begins to change, and not always for the better. Perhaps the betrayal was the result of an impasse in which, as it seems to him, your husband fell. With the period of growing up, the need for self-realization grows, including in the family. If there is stagnation - in everyday life, in interests, in sex, in general development, the need for new emotions also arises. And the easiest way is to look for them on the side.

Analyze the circumstances of the betrayal

Circumstances are also important. If the spouse cheated "publicly", did not take care of hiding his act, and they found out about it at work, as well as in a close circle, then by such behavior he made it clear that he, in fact, does not care about his lawful wife. “She will forgive,” “I’ll think of something,” “Then it will be seen,” these are the typical “excuses” of such husbands.

When a loved one tried in every possible way to hide the fact of betrayal (perhaps also internally reproached himself). He did not allow his mistress to appear and be rude to his wife, stopped any contact with her, and also begged for forgiveness in word and deed, take into account his efforts. This means that his betrayal is a mistake that brought him moral suffering. And in fact, the family is dearer to him.

To forgive your husband's betrayal or not is up to you

Are your feelings so strong that you “cannot live without him,” or your relationship has long become a habit, and his act only confirmed this?

• You can only be forgiven sincerely.

  If you feel the strength to do this, then make a promise to yourself never to speak out your grievances to your husband. One conversation is enough. Without reminders (“You cheated on me”), without reproaches (“If you hadn’t cheated on me, then”), without trying to build a victim out of yourself (“I don’t know how to live with this”).

• Switch your attention from the situation to yourself.

  Relax, change jobs, develop your hobbies and interests. Chat with your friends a lot. Do not be afraid of his jealousy if there are men among them.

• Find out the reason for the cheating and try to fix it.

  No, this does not mean that you need to "beat up" your husband and torment him with questions, "for what." Try to analyze for yourself what he lacked, that he went to the side. Perhaps the problem of her husband's betrayal is not connected with his lust, but with what is happening in your family.

• You can ask your husband to end any relationship with his mistress.

  If he is really ready to make amends, he will follow your request. After his consent, continue to work on yourself, and do not dive into resentment. If his, even friendly, relations with her continue, and are also supplemented by hidden aggression towards you (“We have nothing else, what else do you need ?!”), think about whether you can continue such a relationship.

• Begin by talking openly with your husband about sex.

  Sex is an important part of family life. For some, he is in the first place, for someone - in the fifth, but that he is important is indisputable. Clarify what he lacked in marriage, try to make up for it and diversify your intimate life. Any activity that monotonously lasts for years and does not have a variety at one time gets boring.

• Change your attitude to what happened.

  If you have decided to forgive your husband, try to level the betrayal to a state of minor domestic turmoil and forget about it.

There can be no single answer to the question of how to forgive a husband's betrayal - all advice depends on the specific case. And there is no "magic pill" to be found here. Try to see a family counselor who will give you advice and advice based on your specific situation.

Life before and after her husband's infidelity

Natalia Kaptsova

Reading time: 4 minutes

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Surely each person has his own list of words and actions that in no case should be forgiven to anyone. But love and close relationships often force us to reconsider our principles, and sometimes - to change them.

Falling in love sometimes closes a woman's eyes to the ugly male actions of her partner, often forcing to forgive what, in general, should not be forgiven.

So, what actions and words can never be forgiven even for a beloved man?

• Treason.
  On the topic of unforgiveness of betrayal, the opinions of women and men unanimously agree in their majority - you cannot forgive betrayal! Several negative moments have been collected in treason - this is the pain of realizing the deception of a loved one, hatred of betrayal, and the intolerance of the thought that he was close to another woman, this is also the torment that someone burst into the tight world of your relationship with your partner yet, having stained and desecrated the Temple of your love. Sometimes even a very strong person cannot forgive treason, and a weak, sensitive person can simply trample the fact of treason.
  Should you forgive the one who has changed? Of course, everyone decides for himself. But remember that forgiving is not living the rest of your life with a person under the yoke of suspicion, pain, and this resentment. Forgiving cheating means letting go of the situation, completely clearing your heart of resentment and starting life from scratch, never returning to the past. Read also:
• The man raised his hand to the woman.
  The sad statistics that psychologists provide suggests that the fact of the first case, when, soon enters into his rule of communication with a partner. A man is by nature very strong, and he is able to protect his loved ones, as well as refrain from excessive emotionality and aggression. A strong man will never allow himself to humiliate a loved one.
  The one who raised his hand to the woman is a creature with an unbalanced psyche who will easily do it for the second and tenth time, each time getting more and more excited and using more and more sophisticated methods of humiliating his wife.
• The man beats the children.
  Until the debate about whether physical punishment of children is necessary or not permissible, those men who do not even have the right to be called men open their hands in relation to their children, explaining this by their father's love and the desire to raise good people out of them.
  The highest role of a mother is to protect her children from all the cruelties in this world. So is it worth forgiving a person who regularly tortures your flesh and blood? Is your love for your husband or the habit of living with him worth all the humiliation, physical and mental pain of your child?
• Lie.
  Whatever a man's lie is - small or large - it can become a serious obstacle on the path of this couple to happiness. As a rule, it is a little lie that undermines the relationship - every day, bit by bit, suddenly, over time, it grows into a snowball that cannot be pushed aside. A man's lie is serious reason to doubt his feelings and sincerity ... Relationships are built on trust, if there is no trust, there will be no love.
• Public words of insult to a woman.
  Dirty words spoken by a man in public should not say goodbye to him. If a man suddenly begins to share with friends the intimate secrets of your relationship, rudely criticize you, utter obscene language in your address - this is a serious reason to reconsider the relationship with him. In no case should a man forgive such behavior. - unless, of course, you want to remain humiliated and insulted all your life, and possibly a bat, in public.
• Disrespectful attitude towards a woman.
  “That blonde has a super figure, and after giving birth you blurred like a cow”, “Where do you go to this woman, you don’t know how to cook”, “My ex kept order, but you always have a mess” - and continue comparing you with all women on Earth is naturally not in your favor. Do I need to forgive this?
  Respect is one of the whales that Love stands on. There is no respect for you - and this love becomes "lame", or maybe it does not exist at all. Most likely, comparing with other women, humiliating you, makes the man sickness of his own EGO. Do you really need this weakling?
• Male laziness.
  How often in life we ​​see families in which a woman is “me and a horse, me and a bull, me and a woman and a man”, and a man lies on the couch, finding endless excuses for his passivity ... Such a man is not looking for an additional opportunity to earn money , he does not try to solve financial crisis situations in the family, does not do any household chores. The most favorite activities of such a man are watching TV, lying on the couch, meeting friends in the garage or beer bar, fishing, eternal smoke breaks ...
  Are you sure that at the moment when you are suddenly unable to provide for your family and do all the chores around the house, your man will take on solving problems? So is it necessary today to put up with his passivity - the answer is quite obvious.
• The greed of a man.
  It is very difficult for a woman to feel loved and desired if her man is tight-fisted in gifts and purchases. In such couples, constant friction arises over the allegedly excessive spending on the part of the wife and children. A woman in such a pair is unlikely to receive gorgeous gifts, and if they buy bouquets for her, then only on the basis of the principles of economy - cheaper, discounted.
  With such a situation, any woman, if she has not completely given up on her life, will very hard to come to terms ... And does a man need to forgive greed?
• Insults to your family.
  If a man truly loves you, he will never stoop to insults your parents, children from a previous marriage, brothers, sisters, etc.
  According to many people, by no means you can not forgive your man for the words of insults to relatives - even if they were uttered in the heat of the moment, and you cannot forgive his ugly actions in relation to relatives.
• Male bad habits.
  In no case should a woman put up with the most common male bad habits - drug addiction, gambling addiction. A man who seeks solace in these manias of his, in fact, does not love you - these passions replace love for him. Although he may swear eternal love for you - but of course, it is very convenient for him to return after a night of drinking or after major losses to the house, where he will be fed, soothed, and cuddled.
  Alcoholism, gambling addiction, drug addiction cannot be forgiven for a man!
• Male selfishness and self-centeredness.
  Your man speaks only about himself, attributing all family achievements to his person. He is ready to go on vacation to the country he chooses, so he decides which friends should be friends with you, and which should forget the way to your house. A selfish man constantly wants attention to his person, but he is very stingy to give attention to his companion or children.
  Forgiving male selfishness and resigning to this state of affairs, a woman a priori assigns itself minor roles in his life. But excuse me - where is love here ?!

You suspected your husband of treason. We tried to find out the truth in different ways. And everything was confirmed. So what do you do? How to be now? Psychologist Galina Artemyeva discusses how to behave better after learning about her husband's betrayal.

Remember the song: "She took off her jacket, thrown on, seemed to be proud enough, I said to him:" All the best "..."

First: do not rush to resolutely take off your jacket. Cool down and think. Well - let's think together. It turned out that you were living with a traitor. But you lived! Even for quite a long time. And nothing! Well, bear with it, cool it down. Repeat, repeat to yourself: "Yes, he changed! Yes, he changed!" Well - let's repeat a hundred times until it becomes funny. (It will definitely be, but not so soon!)

Second: Let's admit to ourselves that nothing like this has happened yet. Everybody is alive? Alive! Even healthy! There is where to live, there is something to eat. Already good. Well - an extraneous dirty trick has flown into your life. So now? Shoot yourself? Let's learn to take a punch! Let's rake this filth in a pile and throw it in the trash. And that's it! Forgot. And not dare to grind in your poor head the words from the found letter of her husband, addressed to another: "I love you, you are my only one, my wife is my cross (just think, huh? Well, bastard!), She poisons my life, only with you I'm happy..."

Third: tell yourself clearly what you want. Do you want everything to come back, and it was good, calm, peaceful? Is that possible! And it depends on you.

There are things that you cannot afford if you want a peaceful life with your husband: total surveillance and verification, as well as constant inquiring about your mistress and comparing yourself to her. This is completely meaningless, it is finally humiliating and unbearable.

If you want to get a divorce, realizing that you are not able to bear the revealed truth, remember one thing: after a divorce it will not get any easier. In any case, the pain will wear off with time, but it will not happen soon. And why should everything be solved with the help of a divorce? Who will you do better by deciding to break up? To a mistress - of course! To yourself? You decide.

Fourth: you can demand from the husband to end all relations with his mistress. If he does this and tries to establish a family atmosphere, try not to poison your life with reproaches and scandals. After all, he chose you. What else do you need?

Fifth: reconsider your attitude towards marital intimacy. Diversify your sex life, in any case, do not shy away from sex.

Sixth: distribute responsibilities around the house, let the husband intensify his participation in family affairs.

Seventh: be clear about the distribution of family funds.

Eighth: if the husband refuses to break up with his mistress, continue her relationship, it makes sense to decide on a warning about the breakup. Only seriously, not blackmailing, not playing. If the husband understands the seriousness of your decision, if his family is still dear to him, he may end the extramarital relationship.

A lot depends on you. The choice is yours. The main thing is to make a decision with a cool head. Don't let confused feelings push you into reckless actions.

There are some elementary truths that involuntary (or potential) participants in a love triangle (well, if not a polygon) are simply obliged to learn. You need to know them no worse than the rules of the road for the sake of maintaining mental and physical health, working capacity and self-respect.

1. Your idea of ​​a husband is not at all the husband himself.
2. If you began to perceive your husband as an invariable part of the home interior, be aware: it is quite possible that there are places where he plays other roles with pleasure, and lies down at home after violent love games, perceiving you as a thing necessary in his household.
3. By getting married, you are not acquiring a husband for life.
4. The life of every person, including your legal spouse, belongs primarily to him. Everyone has the right to make mistakes. And on the awareness of this mistake too. It depends on you what exactly your husband will consider a mistake - a marriage relationship with you or a love affair on the side.
5. If you find that your husband is cheating on you, try first of all to remain judicious. Define for yourself honestly and directly what you want in this situation. The options are usually:
   • I want to end the relationship immediately and leave forever, forgetting it, like a bad dream;
   • I want to be together, to forgive everything and to have everything as before;
   • I don’t want to leave and I cannot, but I dream of taking revenge on him for the pain caused;
   • I will stay with him on principle, so that my mistress does not come out victorious;
   • I need to reconsider the past, understand what my own delusions were, and not let the situation destroy itself.

There is no most correct option, there is an option that is most acceptable to you. Take your pick. But with a clear head, in accordance with the goal to which you strive. In order not to regret it later.

Just take into account the law of life: nothing destroys us like the thirst for revenge, therefore options c) and d) can be dangerous to your physical and mental well-being. Revenge on the guilty (if they are guilty) will come true, believe me, without your participation. Because evil will return to its creators. But not when you crave it, but much later. You need to relax, thinking about yourself and your own, only yours, tasks and their solutions.

1. Maintain your dignity. Having learned about the betrayal, in no case try to communicate with your mistress, expose her, collect facts that discredit her everywhere. Be taller. Let it be at the cost of incredible internal efforts. Not for the sake of your husband or the opinion of strangers about you. For my own sake. So that you can then respect yourself for your fortitude and firmness of character.
2. If you find it possible for yourself to remain married to an unfaithful husband, forgive him completely and irrevocably. Do not engage in constant ridicule, do not reproach, do not remind of the past, do not sarcastically. Otherwise, you will make your husband very, very sorry that he still stayed.

One must be able to show nobility. This is a feat. But if you consciously decide to keep your family together, work towards the good of its restoration. (We will note that it is always more difficult to restore than to destroy.)

1. Do not try to find an immediate replacement for your husband, repay him in kind. Any of us can, if necessary, find a random partner. Only he will not be a consolation. If we were pushed into a muddy puddle, we must get out of it as soon as possible, wash off the dirt and forget. But to enter into casual relationships is tantamount to the fact that you will jump into another mud from one mud, where you didn’t voluntarily fall, assuring yourself that you are taking revenge on the first puddle.
2. Focus on your health. Women who have deeply experienced the pain of betrayal often fall ill with female diseases - this is how the body reacts to humiliation and resentment. You owe it to yourself to stand up, stay healthy and attractive. Do your best to be in public, distract from gloomy thoughts.
3. Whatever you decide: to be together or to break up, try to remain friends. This is the most fruitful, wise and correct line of thought and action. Even if it’s impossible to imagine friendship with a traitor at first.

Husbands should understand:

1. Women by nature are completely different from you. For them, physical intimacy means a lot more than gymnastic exercises followed by relaxation. In most cases, they have soul strings involved. Beware of vibrating these strings if you discover your unscrupulous behavior.
2. If you say to a woman "I love you" in order to just feel the full emotional return from her side, you are playing a dishonest game, because for her these words are equivalent to an offer to forever tie your destinies.
3. As much as you've been inspired by your accomplishments on the sexual front, don't lose your head. If you are mostly happy with your marriage, it is worth respecting your wife's feelings if she discovers cheating. You risk losing your faithful and reliable companion.
4. Adventures on the side quite often end with the same marriage ties. And complete disappointment in an ardent feeling that made him destroy a true relationship with a real (as it happens, and some men say) wife.
5. Do not bring your mistress to your family home, there are things that cannot be done under any guise. This is one of them. If a childishly naive question arises: why, you can answer quite childishly: it will be worse yourself. The mistress will be enraged at the sight of her wife's things, inflamed with such hatred that it will necessarily materialize in one way or another in the form of a series of failures and troubles that will begin to fall on the heads of all members of the family union.
6. Do not devote your mistress to the affairs of the family, to the problems of children, and the like. Beware: you are giving her what is most valuable - information that she can use to harm those you love, but she doesn’t. The secret always becomes apparent - it is an immutable law. At least - don't contribute to it.
7. You are deeply mistaken if you think that, having started an affair on the side, you have finally found a faithful soul who understands your primordial passion for freedom, adventure, extreme. You would be very surprised if you heard the intimate conversations of your free-loving and reckless mistress with her friends. Believe me, you would be amazed at the strategy and tactics of the battle for possession of you exactly as a legal spouse, which are developed over a cup of coffee in a trendy restaurant. You must understand: with us, women, time counts by seconds. We simply cannot afford to be scattered "just like that". And those who allow themselves to be used as a lightning rod remain completely bankrupt in their personal lives, without a husband, children and everything that we are entitled to. So understand: they are fighting for you! You are a pawn, not a king!
8. Sorry for this very intimate point of our program. But if you have already entered the field of sexual games, please use a remedy that protects against infection. No matter how trustworthy your new chosen one may seem to you, anything can happen in life. There are often tragic cases when HIV-infected people deliberately infect those who trustingly have sexual intercourse with them without any protection. It happens that HIV-infected people are in a special mental state, believing that life has treated them unfairly - and decide to take revenge on others for their own suffering.
9. Don't tell your mistress about your wife's flaws, misunderstandings, and vicious inclinations. You want to pour out your soul. You are looking for sympathy. You long to be loved, such a sufferer. You, without noticing it, carried away, exaggerate the colors very much. Of course, they will love you, feel sorry for you. But remember: a woman who loves you may not stand the overwhelming hatred of her for your offender (that is, your wife, with whom you do not intend to part). And then the thunder will strike! The wife will get the most, of course. But a chain of very unpleasant episodes will not pass you by either.
10. Life is a systemic process. As part of the system, we influence each other. People's relationships form feedback loops. Sooner or later, a person experiences the results of what he has done to others. Therefore, try not to play too much, so as not to hit yourself at the most inopportune moment.

Discussion

On March 8, 2018 I also learned about my husband's infidelity. Found myself 12 years younger. It was a blow for me. It turned out he was cheating on me for a very long time, as far as I managed to find out more than 5 years. We have been married for 33 years. More than a year has passed, and I still cannot forget all this, calm down. There is no faith in him, all the time it seems that he is continuing the relationship. There was no remorse on his part, at first he lied that there was nothing with her, just talking on the phone, then when I found out that he had had her for a long time, he simply said, if you can, forgive me. Now I can't watch films where there is treason. Walking with my grandson on the bank of the river, two cars constantly arrive there (he and she), obviously lovers, everything inside me turns over (he is older than her, she is young). Also where? - that deceived wife. What's happening?! Why are husbands cheating? What are they missing? I ask my husband what is wrong? The answer is that it is. Then why?

I had a suspicion that my husband was cheating, like many women, a sixth sense. I found out the truth, although not yet the whole truth. He went to the "bad girls" for oral. How can this be forgiven? - that was the first question. I know that I was not enough for him, but I cannot force myself to do what he wants. I want to leave (and these thoughts were for a very long time, I did not want 2 children to live without a father), but now it is simply necessary. Before we had often quarrels for various reasons, but now I see no reason to endure. The only problem is that I want to leave now, but they will not be released from work (I am a teacher, now the middle of the year). I do not know what to do. I can't stand these 4 months, I can't pretend. And if I say everything, then I will not live this time with him. I do not know what to do...

Hello, the other day I did not sleep at night, so there is no sleep and that's it. I began to cheat myself, and did he have another and added “no, he will not cheat on me, he loves me very much, it's just a cheat”. I climbed into his phone while he slept quietly next to me. I opened the first correspondence I came across with some woman. A quick glance at the content .. the result, cheating on the face. There were intimate photos and conversations that they were sleeping. The clock is 5 in the morning. She moved from the bed to the sofa, crying. I learned a little from the correspondence, did not read everything. It was very painful. He got up at 7. I rearranged the alarm clock for the near future, as if it’s time to get up. The alarm has rang, and the clock is at the wrong time, cannot understand what is happening. I try to curb my emotions and say, "tell me." He does not understand. “Tell me everything. Who is * name *! " He: “What are you doing? What is it about? You are inventing everything for yourself. " I repeat everything. I confessed. He said at the moment it was hard for him, stress, small quarrels and gave slack. I hid it for more than 2 months. She doesn't know about me. Screamed through tears at him until 7 in the morning. He said he loves me very much and does not want to lose. Tears welling up at the very edge. I always believed that I would not forgive treason, but I myself love him and gave him a chance with conditions, stepping over myself and my pride. I went to work. From hysterics and a night without sleep, I was knocked out on the bed. I woke up at lunchtime, porridge in my head, immediately in tears. I couldn't believe it, I just refused. He wrote that he blocked it and deleted it everywhere. The whole day nothing went into my mouth, I drank only water. To somehow get distracted, I cleaned the whole apartment and cooked dinner. He came. I can’t look at him, I could hardly hold back tears. Somehow she ate a little and went to lie on the bed. He thanked me for the dinner and, seeing my condition, lay down next to me and hugged me. I started to cry. He repented, asked for forgiveness and said how much he loved me, that there was no excuse for him and he could not watch how it hurt me. Made up. Said I needed time to digest it all. The next day, I used to ask questions about her, when all sorts of thoughts climbed. I changed the password on the phone. I kind of forgave and try to let go of the situation, but there is no trust and I don’t know what to do. And suddenly he is lying again, I doubt the words. It seems that I did the right thing, but it is insanely difficult to forget it and accept ...

Vsera found out that my husband had cheated on me. Moreover, he filmed all this, then deleted it, but it remained in the secret folder and I saw it! We have been together for 10 years! I don’t know how to live further. I want to get a divorce, but the children are small and if I leave him, then I will not financially help the children. I can't even get a job. He says he is repentant. That it was the first time. He says that he is scattered and regrets, but behaves as if nothing had happened. How can I go on living? I want to die, only the children stop me.

A good article, but where to get the strength to behave correctly when you find out about your husband's infidelity. Much also depends on the behavior of the husband.

Lord, as I understand you. On March 8 of this year, I found out about the betrayal of my husband Victor, I was so shocked. At first I thought it was just an affair, he did not confess, denied everything, then I find out her (Lena's) phone number, ask her how far their relationship has gone, her answer, ask your husband. Again showdown with him, he again lies to me, that he had nothing with her except for conversations. Then I find out that he has had it for a long time, from the beginning I find out about 6 months, then about 3 years, then about 5 years, the last thing that he has been with him for more than 6 years. This year we had 33 years of our marriage, I believed him infinitely, the children are already adults, there are grandchildren, everyone who knows us considered us an ideal couple. I still cannot calm down, I will never forgive him for that. He lost the respect of his children. What did he lack ?! I ask him, were you not ashamed to look me in the eyes every day all these years? His answer struck me that he did not consider this relationship serious, he was not ashamed. Who have I lived with all these years, how could I trust this person. He is not going to leave, I suit him, says that everything is over with her, he loves me, only that relationship will never be returned. To share the acquired property with him and leave on my own, but why should I take half from our children, because the same Lena will pick him up and take him away, she is 12 years younger than him, he is 59 years old. This is my story.

I learned about treason after 18 years of marriage. For 18 years, at first he was freaky in a drunken state when they swore, but then, over time, after grinding the characters and a pound of salt that they "ate" together, I was sure they would not betray me!
Bottom line. For three months I can’t come to my senses. They betrayed, and even with whom, a former drug addict who does not work anywhere, steals, sleeps with everyone and in a thug hut during an alcoholic binge arranges orgies. He felt sorry for her, pretty, 10 years younger than me. While I was leaving on a business trip, he went to drink her and then dragged her to our apartment, onto our bed, carried her in his arms. When I arrived, everything was fine, we slept, everything was good in sex, like I missed it)))
I found out. And that's all. It blocks me, I can't live with a traitor, they wiped my feet on me, they put me in an asocial personality, I'm just in shock. She smashed everything in our apartment, broke the bed, tore all his things, slept with his "friend", I feel nothing but pain, I look at him and hate him. I know I need a reboot, but the button doesn't work. I can sleep with him by inertia, but that's not it !!! Stranger. My confidence is that it is with him that I will meet old age, that it is with him that we will be with our grandchildren, that we will again "fight" with him along with the reality of life, everything has died, or rather is dying in torment to this day.
In my case, it was not his sexual betrayal, but his human one that unsettled me.
I will not be able to live with a traitor and I have to come to terms with this, come to terms with the fact that you cannot trust anyone. Just live on and never be sure of anything. How long will I come to my senses, time will tell, the cross has been raised, at the age of 40 I start from scratch in the burnt book of my life.

Hello, give me some advice. Recently I found out that my husband has another woman, and she is also pregnant. To my questions about the suspicion that he had a different one, he refused. Directly to him about what I know I did not say. How do I start a conversation? What to say in order to understand for yourself whether you need to save seven or not.

Hello. advise a way out of the situation when the husband does not want to get divorced and is unable to leave a three-year relationship with his mistress. he offers me a fictitious marriage to save for the sake of children. I feel painful and incomprehensible of his aggressive denial, recognition, humiliation of me, leaving, coming ... such a feeling as the bewitched one behaves. They have been married for 18 years, but I didn't know him like that ... if he has real love, I want to let him go myself, but everyone tells me that he was bewitched))) and if bewitched, maybe you can turn it off)))? I torture him, and he me ... what to do?

Please tell me how to live further, I recently found out that my husband cheated on me, according to him, this does not mean anything, he did it 5 times just how to act in this situation

Yes, he changed! And so 100 times, well, isn't it funny? Repeat it at least a million times.
I want to kick him and discharge himself, and not laugh.
Feverishly looking for reasons - why, what's wrong with me?
And the mistress must be immediately driven away with a broom, and not lisp.
Punishment should be inevitable. And even further according to the plan, let him ask for forgiveness, admit his mistake, or leave once and for all.
And your right, you can continue to live together, or not, in variations.

After our comments, you can safely defend your thesis!
The very first mistake - the psychologist does not even approximately know how the deceived spouse feels.
I agree that the first thing is to get away from sin.
I almost strangled mine at night, flew away in the morning.
The only way I could hold on was not to think.
And when I started thinking, hello, schizophrenia!
The only way she could explain how a man who loves could change, then
that at that moment it was not his head that was working, but the "head".
The mistress disappeared from the horizon as soon as she realized that she would not live.
She even changed her place of residence.
I asked for forgiveness, you bastard. Bea was strong.
Trust is no longer there, and all the attendant consequences have not gone anywhere.
I don’t believe it, it’s just better to hide.
The philosophical question is to live together and believe that this will not happen to you,
- live together and know what is changing
- to live, but to know that this can always happen, and to be on the alert

A good article seems to me how to keep a family together.
I can’t forgive the betrayal, I try and try and do not get it, for a while I will forget and again I start asking my husband why he did it, who she is and he says "he was offended at me and was drunk" and does not remember what happened, and how her name although he told me first one story and then another, so every time, he says that he was afraid to lose me because he loves and children both need us. He still regrets what happened and that he will be unpleasant in his soul for the rest of his life. I woke up dressed near some, after a youth bar and ran away in horror. Is this possible? I do not believe! From time to time he goes to bars for a drink and everything, as he says, is served beautifully there and it is pleasant for him to drink cold beer. Why? What for? Awful pain and unbearable, realizing that your husband is betraying you with whom you have been sleeping in the same bed for more than 10 years. The desire to give up for betrayal, well, children and children have nothing to do with it, and I understand that I will ruin the life of children, and they need a dad, whatever he is, and it will not be easier for me because I love and family is the main thing in life ❤😊